Keeping in touch isn’t good enough.  Social media improves the quantity of connections but not necessarily the quality of relationships.  So how do you build a real friendship with people you don’t see regularly?

You create presence.  This concept has long helped me in romantic relationships but it’s equally relevant with friends and colleagues.  I want to address this for three reasons:

1. I see people using social media as a replacement for other forms of relationship building.  It is a vehicle for keeping in touch, not a destination
2. Keeping in touch is different than presence–both easier and more difficult
3. I’ve just returned from the School of Blogging Conference and I want to hold onto some of those folks (#sobcon08)

So, What is Presence?

I think of presence as making others feel that you’re part of their life.  It’s not about you, but your weight to them.  The easiest way to understand it is in contrast to keeping in touch.

Keeping in Touch	Presence
A reminder that you exist	A role in someone’s life
Can be mechanical (birthday wishes, etc.)	Personal (about the person, not just the event)
Based on quantity & frequency	Based on quality & Impact

 
These definitions may be my own, but they illustrate a serious difference in the way people maintain relationships.  Keeping in touch alone does not make you a part of someone’s life, but with a similar amount of effort at creating presence you can make an impact and feel more involved.

The Presence Scale: From Distant to Present

Have you ever randomly run into a local friend when you were traveling?  Have you gotten a card from a friend for no real reason?  The less expected a point of contact, the more memorable.  In the case of the  card, it also involved going above and beyond what’s normally expected–and that stuff has an impact.

You can create a similar impact by using more personal means of communication.  The following is a bunch of ways to reach out, and how they generally affect the recipient–from the least impacting to the most.  The first three listed here are somewhat interesting, but then you can just skim the headlines and cut to the next sections where I talk about the frequency of correspondence and its content–since that’s what makes all the difference.

1. Passive social networking.  Staying informed and letting others know of your happenings online is often one-way and ephemeral.  It’s practical but not personal
2. Responsive social networking.  Participating with brief conversations like a comment on a Facebook wall or a quick answer over Twitter identifies your involvement and interest.  It’s a step in the right direction but is usually a closed loop–i.e., it’s ending the conversation not continuing it
3. Conversational social networking.  Starting a conversation is inviting and makes the recipient more involved.  While most social networks aren’t the ideal place for dialogue, a little back and forth goes a long way
4. Email and direct messages*.   The content  (not the length!) will determine whether it’s powerful or viewed as mere rote
5. Instant messaging*.  As the first of the real-time communications listed, it’s slightly more conspicuous than email.  There are more context cues when conversation is real time, so it will be more human…but again, it’s all about the content
6. Phone / Skype*. This is the first real-time activity that demands more if not all of both parties’ attention.  You can be on the same page with the other person here
7. Video Phone / Skype.*  This takes phone to the next level–providing even more context
8. Postal Mail*.  The inconvenience and rarity of postal mail makes them a treat for the recipient, and their time-delayed nature often leads the sender to write something more substantial.  When executed well, this can be powerful
9. Group Setting*.  I’d say nothing beats in-person conversations, but that’s simply not true.  Still, each physical touchpoint does go a long way toward cementing relationships
10. One-on-one*.  The end-all be-all.  Need I say more?

* All of these are context specific.  Real-time communication generally creates more presence in someone’s life, but the content factors in heavily.  Sometimes more meaningful conversation take place over email than the phone, for instance.  Similarly, seeing someone in a group will often make us feel closer to someone than having chatted on the phone…but how one is treated carries a lot of weight.

Which Method of Communication do you Choose?

If you want someone to feel that you’re a part of their life, you should spend some time toward the higher numbers of the list.  We’re in a world where the norm for email tends to be fairly short, so a phone call will really help.  However, when possible, getting a cup of coffee goes a long way.  I recognize that this isn’t brain surgery here but the lesson is that you should probably be putting in more phone and in-person time–electronic text just isn’t the same.  People will be more receptive to time together than you think.

The Content

I suggested a topic idea for a blogger the other day, and we exchanged a few quick emails that have led me to become a fan.  Rather than the typical us and them mentality that many people unconsciously promote, he came across as an interested equal.  All he did was open up the dialogue and ask questions.  His first two emails were very short, but they ended with:

1st email: "Have YOU blogged about them yet?"

2nd email: "And as for you, who will your big audience be in a year?"

Productivity dictates that we close loops as quickly as possible.  But if the purpose is to build a relationship, real questions (not "how are you?") are where it’s at.

Here are some tips for content when building presence:

1. Ask questions.  On the phone, ask a bunch (if there’s time).  In an email, try to keep it to a few (since it takes a long time to answer questions via text and more questions will often delay or kill the correspondence)
2. Make the questions real whenever possible.  Do you know what that person is passionate about?  Ask about that in whatever way your can.  Also, try things that have nothing to do with your relationship but just offer genuine caring–like how their family is
3. Remember.  Nothing stands out more than a good memory to show that you care.  Fortunately with many people, you can look up what’s going on via sites like Facebook or Twitter–to nudge your memory a little
4. Be thinking of them.  Bring up something that related to a conversation you’ve had.  Sense a pattern yet?  It’s all about that they’re on your mind.  That they’re present in your life.  Not only is it flattering, it leads to reciprocation
5. Be helpful.  Send a link from time to time, and put a personal sentence together above it.  That 30 seconds you take to personalize something helpful will further demonstrate that you’re thinking about them

I could go on, but you get the point–don’t just talk about what you did that day.  Show that you’re interested in their passions and person.  Be on the same page and you’ll feel much more a part of their life.  They’ll feel your presence.

Frequency of Contact

It’s not just the frequency of interaction that strengthens the relationship–it’s the investment of time over the long haul.  In other words, an email exchange every week for 2 months will mean less than an exchange every month for 8 months.  This is because maintaining relationships over time takes effort and is, well, fairly uncommon.

So what’s the minimum?  A thoughtful exchange (phone call or email) every few months will maintain a relationship (and do a better job than just the usual social media mentions).  The role you’re looking to play in their life will define the frequency.

Traveling to Visit People

Nothing can do more for relationships than visiting from afar.  While not every relationship merits a trip out just to see each other, more people would probably be open to the idea than you think.  At the very least, when you’re planning a trip for work or pleasure, consider if any friends are in the area–don’t miss the opportunity to strengthen the bond.

As an example, I flew up to visit an Icelandic friend (who I had only collaborated with online) when he was in Boston and am now working on a trip to Iceland.  When you really gel with people, there’s no reason not to offer to visit or invite them to stay with you.

"Do I really want to put in all this effort?"

In building a distinction between presence and keeping in touch, I’m really just trying to improve the quality of relationships we get out of our communication.  It’s not that you need to put in more time, it’s that a different form of outreach might bring you closer to people.

"Ok, but what’s in it for me?"

Happiness is not about how many people you have in your life, but the relationship you have with them (there are countless studies that support this).  Having strong relationships with a few people will really affect you.  This point may be obvious, but what’s not so obvious is why so many of us spend so much time building up a network of very loose connections when a few stronger ones will make all the difference?

So go on and create presence in the lives of those you care about…or develop a deeper bond with those you’re now just keeping in touch with.  Any other tips to share?  Is it not worth the time?

Flickr photo credit: malias

Filed under: Business, Happiness, Social Media, Technology

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